I told myself over and over again that I was ready for my baby’s first day at nursery. I mean, baby K was at home 5 months longer than originally planned and she was almost walking, so it would be fine, right?
Hmmm, not so much. Any mother out there will know that gut-wrenching, guilt-ridden, I-think-one-of-my-limbs-is-missing feeling of dropping your child off at nursery and handing them over to a stranger for the first time. I know the feeling of your baby’s first day at nursery.
I wanted to write this post for all of you mothers out there who are going through their baby’s first day at nursery process right now and might be wondering if you are the only one feeling like this. Or those who will be going through it soon and starting to experience feelings of dread.
I’m here to tell you: you are definitely not alone. And it does get easier.
My learnings
I learnt a few things from the experience of sending baby K off to nursery and from talking to many other mothers who have been through it.
- Whether your baby is 3 months old or 2 years old you still feel guilty
- You can tell yourself all the logical reasons about why going to nursery will be good for them, but you still question yourself
- You feel like a bad mother (but you ARE NOT)
- Fathers don’t seem to have the same intense emotions around this topic. They also find it hard, but I am yet to meet one who has described the same intense guilt or feeling like a bad parent as the mothers I know
- The Swiss “settling in phase” is very helpful (read more about my experience below)
- It does get easier
- You cherish the time you have with your little one even more when they are not with you 24/7
- When children start nursery they get sick. A lot. It is inevitable and they need to build up their immune system, so just grit your teeth and get on with it
Settling in phase – my experience with baby K
In Switzerland they actually handle the transition of starting nursery very well. They have a “settling in phase” (Eingewöhnen), where the child gets used to the nursery gradually over a period of two weeks. So baby’s first day at nursery might be gut-wrenching but it become all well over time.
Week one
It starts with a meeting to discuss your child’s normal routine, their likes and dislikes, medical conditions and all the rest of it. Baby K had a chance to meet the people working in the nursery and have a good look around the room.
The next couple of days we went in for a short time to play. I was there the whole time. Although baby K stuck quite close to me, she did wander off a couple of times to get a toy.
At the end of the first week I had to leave her for the first time, I stayed and played for 15 minutes and then left her for half an hour. The group leader made a point of baby K saying goodbye to me and me telling her that I would be back soon, and then off I went.
I actually didn’t even leave the building, I just sat in the staff area trying to distract myself from what was going on by replying to some emails. She amazingly didn’t cry when I left, which was a huge relief, but after about 20 minutes she started, which was very hard to hear.
When they called me back in, I gave baby K a big cuddle. The group leader explained that by saying goodbye, telling her that I would be back, and then fulfilling that promise, it would start to build up the trust. That made me feel a little better.
Week two
It built up a bit more day-by-day. Next was leaving her for an hour, then came the day when I did not go in at all, but just said goodbye at the door and left her there for 3 hours.
Apart from walking home in tears and sobbing into my breakfast, that day was actually not so bad. I was working the whole time, so that was a good distraction and when I went to pick her up, they said she had been pretty good and hadn’t cried very much.
The next day she stayed for 5 hours, which included lunch and nap time. Mr A and I were both working from home, so decided to go out for lunch together, on our own, for the first time in 5 months.
It was so nice to be able to focus on talking and eating, but there was this underlying feeling of guilt that she was in nursery, whilst we were out having lunch. When I went to pick her up that feeling was amplified 100 fold when I found out that she had had a bad day: she had hardly eaten, hadn’t slept and had been crying quite a lot.
Overwhelming conflicting feelings crashed over me like waves tossing a little boat around at sea: anxiety; unconditional love; guilt; debating if nursery was the right decision; more love; feeling like I was a bad mother; was this going to work?
I was dreading the next day. She would be in nursery from 9am – 4pm and after the bombardment of emotions the day before I was feeling pretty drained.
Off we went. On the way I talked her through exactly what was going to happen, and that I would be picking her up later (as I had every other day). I did some work to shield her from my negative emotions. We went up to the nursery and when the group leader came to get her, she did cry a little, but not much and she soon stopped (I waited until I could hear she had stopped).
The whole day I was pretty anxious, wondering how it was going. Even work wasn’t enough of a distraction to keep my mind off what was happening.
This was also a day that I would get a couple of hours to myself, as I would finish work just after lunch. Everyone had been telling me to make sure I planned in some proper “me time”, maybe go for a manicure or a massage, but I knew exactly what I wanted to do with the time. The thing I have missed the most since having a baby: go for a long walk on my own in the woods.
I set off on my walk, but I already knew it wasn’t going to be the serene, stress-reducing ramble that I used to experience. I was too worried about how my little girl was getting on.
I am a terror for bottling up my feelings and emotions, but know how damaging it is, so decided that on this occasion I really needed to let it out. As I climbed further and further up the hill I let the flood gates open and the tears started falling. Each tear was like a little drop of anxiety being released from the depths of my soul.
I started to feel a little lighter. Standing in the shade of a beautiful tree, I breathed. I closed my eyes and focused on the sounds around me and the sensation of the breeze on my cheeks. I was still thinking about baby K, but the ferocity of the guilt and negativity had subsided. Wow, nature is a powerful force. It has the potential to cause such immense destruction, but it also has the power to save us from our own destructive feelings.
As I walked back down to go and get her, those uneasy emotions started to creep back in. How did today go? Did she cry a lot? Is she going to hate it there? Is this going to impact our relationship for life? Should I quit work and stay at home full time with her?
When I picked her up, I was relieved to hear that she had had a good day. Hurrah! She hadn’t cried much, ate a lot better, slept well and she had been playing. Phew, what a relief.
The final day of the settling in phase was a full trial day. As the day before had been a lot more successful, I definitely wasn’t feeling as anxious, but still a bit nervous as to how it would all go. The drop off was OK, a bit more crying, but still not the wailing and screaming that you sometimes hear from nursery children.
I had another couple of hours to myself on this final day, so again I went for a walk in the woods. As always it was a beautiful and energising experience and I came back feeling lighter and happier.
I picked her up and was delighted to hear that her first full day went very well. It was looking like we were on the road to a happy nursery life.
Settling into the rhythm
The settling in phase of baby’s first day at nursery is a great idea, as it builds up slowly, so both the child and the parents have time to get used to it.
For our particular situation, it was quite intense in comparison to how it is in real day-to-day life. She goes to nursery 2.5 days each week, whereas during the settling in period she was there every day.
Once she was settled into her normal rhythm, I slowly started to be happier and feel a bit less guilty. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think those feelings will ever completely disappear, but they are definitely manageable now, compared to the crying-into-my-cornflakes days I experienced at the beginning.
Illness
When kids go to nursery they will get ill. There’s no two ways about it and you can’t avoid it, so you just have to suck it up and deal with it.
Within the first month baby K had 2 colds. Nothing bad, but still some rough nights and definitely not a happy baby.
I’m told that this will continue for the first year. Maybe even the first two. Wonderful. I just keep telling myself that this will always happen at some point, if it’s not now, then it would be when she starts school, so may as well be happy to get it out of the way now!
Tips for starting nursery
Find a timing that works for your family
Every country and company has different maternity leave rules and flexible working rules, so there is no “one-size-fits-all” when it comes to when (or if) to start nursery and how many days a child should go.
Research what the options are where you live, discuss it very openly with your partner and agree on the best plan of action for your own family situation.
I feel very grateful to work for a company that offers decent maternity benefits. I sincerely feel for women working for companies or in countries offering limited or no maternity leave and then being expected to return to work full time.
Talk to the nursery about the possibility of a settling in phase
OK, I get that in many places a two week settling in phase isn’t going to happen, but if possible go for plenty of familiarisation visits beforehand so that your little one can get used to the place and the people.
Explain to your baby what is going to happen
Talk to your baby. Tell them where they are going, what they are going to do and how much fun they are going to have. Let them know if they will be having their lunch there and a nap there. Explain when you will be picking them up, or if Daddy will be picking them up.
They may not understand everything you are saying, but the intention of what you are saying and the tone you use is what’s important.
Tell them it’s new for you too
If you are finding it upsetting sending your little one to nursery, tell them! Explain to them that the situation is new for you too, that it also makes you sad not being with them all the time and that it will take both of you a little time to get used to it.
Again, they may not understand everything, but intention is key and they will feel the emotion and the love behind your words.
Make sure you say goodbye
It might be tempting to try to sneak out when they aren’t looking, but from the research I have done, and as confirmed by baby K’s nursery, this is not a good tactic.
If your baby thinks you might disappear every time they turn their back, they could end up incredibly clingy because they are scared that you might “sneak off” again.
It also doesn’t do anything to improve their trust in you, whereas if you say a proper goodbye, telling them that you’ll be back to pick them up later, and then you do just that; it helps to solidify their trust in you.
Conclusion
OK, this turned out to be a lot longer than I planned, so well done if you made it to the end of this baby’s first day at nursery blog!
I hope it helped you to see that you are not alone if you are feeling guilt-ridden and helpless when sending your baby or toddler off to nursery. Those feelings are totally normal and just go to show the depth of your love for that little bundle of joy.
The good news is: it does get easier.
Baby’s first day at nursery is difficult but after a few days you won’t come back from nursery in tears every morning, or sob into your tea wondering if you are scarring your child for life every afternoon. Day by day it will become a little easier for both of you. Hopefully your little one will eventually love going to nursery and will actually ask to go to play with their friends!
What was it like for you, when it was your baby’s first day at nursery? Did you also find it really tough? How is it now?